Dr. Mackoff argues that in order for us, as parents, to help our daughters overcome the perils of low self-esteem that they face in adolescence, we must work to create "more equal opportunities for our daughters through loving exposure." This style of parenting, called Equalist Parenting "honors her daughter's unique experience in the world, and encourages her to define femininity in her own terms." Dr. Mackoff also adds that we should also offer our daughter's a "second opinion" and help to show them the "cultural slights of stereotyping." She developed seven strategies that parents can utilize in order to do this.
Dr. Mackoff's seven strategies are listed below:
1. Discover your own stereotypes
2. Believe her story
3. Declare her independence
4. Bring home heroines
5. Wear gender glasses
6. Tell the truth about beauty
7. Learn what she learns
One application of these strategies includes allowing Nora to play and enjoy the things in life that she wants to enjoy, irrespective of the gender stereotypes that can be associated with them. Dr. Mackoff talked about her daughter throwing a tea party for her trains. I love that idea and want to encourage Nora to believe in herself and in her special perspective on the world around her.
As I look back on my experiences in middle school and high school, I cringe to think about the ways that I allowed myself to be molded and shaped by my incorrect ideas about sex, gender and femininity. It took a long time for me to realize that being a feminine doesn't mean being subservient, docile and having malleable opinions. My faith and wonderful women mentors helped me to understand that femininity isn't simply about the way I look or act, it is manifest through my unique perspective on the world as an individual and as a woman. Femininity lies in the kindness and empathy that I show towards others. Those are the important traits and skills I want to teach my daughter, not how to expertly apply lipstick.
This is something that I think about everyday, how to raise my daughter so that she understands her individual worth. I want her to understand her true self and not be afraid to show it for fear of defying someone else's stereotype or preconceived notion about what she should be. I love reading about raising girls and enjoy taking something away from each of the books and articles that I read.
I know that mostly women read our blog, and I am curious about what has helped you be a strong, spirited and independent woman? What did you cling to during adolescence to help you maintain a sense of self? Who are some women mentors/heroines that you admire?
10 comments:
I think my Moms is a pretty amazing example of an independent, spirited woman. as far as high school... i was clinging to something, but it certainly wasn't my "real self." nora is blessed... there are many AMAZING women in your family to look to!
You don't know me--my husband served his mission in Thailand with Rich--so I hope you don't mind me posting a comment. I loved this post! My oldest daughter is turning 5 next week, and this whole topic is so interesting. I think I might have to pick up this book. I know for sure that I have failed in so many ways already--I'm sure she's overheard me many a time lamment my current weight or my hate for my figure--I need to work on focusing on the positive.
As long as my daughter is modest, I let her choose her own clothing. Sometimes she doesn't match, but she is beautiful regardless of what she wears and I like to let her express herself in an acceptable way. I will be interested to read comments on this post and to hear follow-up on things you've learned.
Andrea, Thanks for the comment. Richard is a huge fan of Nate's and speaks very highly of him. Thanks again for the comment, I loved it! Please comment more :)
I appreciated your honesty about talking about your weight/body image in front of your daughter. It is something that scares me because I have been known to make those kinds of comments too! Since having Nora, I've worked hard not to talk about my body in a negative way. Giving birth actually helped me to improve the way I see my body. It amazed me to think about the incredible function that my body was performing to grow and develop a human life. It gave me an improved perspective about my body and its divine function.
I like the idea of letting your 5 year old pick out her outfit. I also like that you are already talking to her about modesty. That is a great concept that I think that girls should understand/be taught at a younger age than YW.
such a great post and so important. i really want boys for this very reason. which is why i will most likely have all girls ;)
being raised by an insecure mother, i have sadly fought these battles long into my adulthood. good for you for being a strong woman and teaching your daughter to do recognize her individual worth! -- jessica
I was fortunate to live in an area where treatment on the basis of gender was less pronounced than I have heard it is in other places. I think this was a huge benefit to me and my development as a feminist.
Another way I asserted my independence as an adolescent was by being a royal pain in the derriere. Totally obstinate. Recalcitrant. But I turned out ok--my parents seem to like me now :)
Good luck raising your girl. The best thing a female can have in this world is parents who closely examine their own biases and work hard to get free, so we know Nora's in good hands!
I think I was lucky to grow up in a very female oriented household. My grandma managed to retain her own individuality despite living during a very different period in society. Now at 83, her independent spirit, sense of style and overall confidence in me and my mom and aunts remind me that I can do whatever what regardless of gender. I also think going to an all-girls school made me feel more confident about myself, although I had to work over my fear of boys!
I color my hair, I wear false eyelashes, and love the Lancome counter, but I have always considered myself a fairly strong woman. Being raised in a family with seven brothers, and a younger sister, I was always taught that I could be just as capable and independent as my brothers were, and that I could do anything just as well.
I had a close relationship with my father, since I carried the feminized version of his name, and talked politics and philosophy with him all the time in my teen years. I think that he imbued in me a "can-do" spirit that helps me accomplish every needful thing.
I have those feelings and attitudes about myself, but I often think my own children have other conceptions of me and who I am. I always wonder about such things--whose reality is the real reality? I think Heavenly Father is able to confirm to us who we are, and what our worth is to him. I love the gospel for what it teachers about our pre-existent heritage, and our eternal identity.
Anyway, I do love you Betsey, and hope that I contributed more positive role models than negative. I do like myself, even though I am overweight, and I do feel happy in my life.
Claudia
One of my mission companions really helped my self image by explaining that we should use positive self talk. She told me that if I say, "I am so ugly," it's not true, so I have the double negative of meanness and untruth. But when I say, "I am beautiful," and it is true, the spirit confirms that truth, so it is a double positive of truth and uplifting good news. It really helped me see the wastefulness (and wrongness) of negative thinking. Thanks for this post. I love your thoughts on it.
This is a cool blog post Bets! And I think, like you, my faith helped me to realise that it wasn't all about looking like the cover of a glossy mag. I mean, if I could somehow ACTUALLY create a real life air brush and use it in the morning as part of my routine, I wouldn't complain...hmm, I might try and invent that...back to the point..I have several female role models -My Mum, various women in the scriptures, my best friends here in England, missionary companions including Sister Gimbel (did i miss an 'l'?)...you're one of my female role models Betsey. You're amazing.Nora has one cool momma!
Two important role models I had; my mother and Eleanor Roosevelt. Eleanor is obvious.
My mother constantly pushed herself to learn more. Maydell graduated from the U of U at the turn of the century She taught school professionally and then always had a church class to teach. My sister and I knew that we were expected to have a college education as well as my brothers although a mission was not expected. Maydell was a feminist and believed that women should hold the priesthood. My father was a Stake President for twenty-two years and we had many of the church authorities in our home. She would talk to them about her thesis and why and she would always encourage her children to listen to these conversations.
She was in a position to run for the Canadian Parliament but my father was threatened with his job if she did, so she stepped aside and assisted the man who ran in her place. He was elected and held the position for several terms. But she didn't look back. In her nineties she was involved with studying about the Dead Sea Scrolls. She had the courage of her convictions.
What do we say "The glory of God is Intelligence" and you can take it with you. I hope my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren find role models and challenges to strengthen their lives.
Grandma C.
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